january
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26.01.2000 stuff of the day
first snow today! actually it was ice, but it was cold, wet, and white, and there was a lot of it, so i think that pretty well constitutes snow. it's just amazing that we even got anything resembling snow in the least. i think there were a couple inches! there were a lot of snowball fights at school; thankfully i wasn't hit, nor did i slip and fall. the day was so special! it didn't seem like a school day at all. ah, the wonder of snow. i wish it was this way more often. tuesday night i went with my parents to a support group for families of children with autism & asperger's syndrome. there's a parent's support group and a sibling support group. in the sibling support group there was just me and another girl. most of the children there are seriously autistic, so with a mild case of AS, kyle is pretty high-functioning. i feel like i've been thrown into a swirling whirlpool all of a sudden. i mean, i've read books about autistic kids, i've seen them at school, but i never dreamed i would be touched by it. it seems so unfathomable. maybe the hardest thing kyle'll face, and it'll be this way for the rest of his life, is that when he walks in a room, you can't tell right away that he's different. his facial features aren't abnormal, and thanks to mama & i he doesn't dress too weird. when he talks, as is typical of people with AS, his voice sounds somewhat monotone, and his language and pronunciation is somewhat formal. he also has a strange sort of accent that he's had ever since he started talking: another symptom of AS. there's other things too. but it takes a little while until you really realize, there's something wrong here. people expect him to be normal. but he's so totally not. i don't even know what 12-year-old boys are like, what they do. all the toys in kyle's room are those of a six- or eight-year-old. i try to remember what it was like when i was in sixth grade, and that scares me. that's when people started having parties, started going out, when fashion, friends, popularity, music, & movies, etc, became really important. kyle refuses to wear anything but straight-leg, skinny jeans that are totally flooding, and he won't wear coats. most kids wear whatever it takes to fit in! he knows he's different, but he doesn't see himself as being weird. he wonders why the other kids beat up on him and make fun of him. he think having AS just means he's smart. how i feel for him! i myself was teased a lot when i was younger, and i know the sting of words. and i didn't even have any weird disorder or anything. what could his future possibly hold? how can he, so brilliant and need of a great education, with endless possibilities before him, yet so totally clueless socially, ever go off to college and get a degree or even be in challenging classes in jr. high and high school? it does concern me. but what could i possibly do about it? yep, i'm mad about the proposed "mode of dress"--fuming in fact--and i hope to attend the school board meeting monday. hopefully a lot of other people against it will attend, too, especially parents. how these people can be so totally blind...aargh! will not say anymore. --pink cheeks. 23.01.2000 stuff of the day
haven't written in a few days, cause i haven't had anything really to say. you know, i hate the word "because." i mean, we never say the whole "because," just "cause." and yet it looks to formal & funny to write it that way, yet both "cuz" and "cos" don't look right either. although "cuz" is more phonetic, it looks stupidly retarded, but seeing as how i don't have an english accent and really have very little partiality to the english whatsoever, "cos" just seems weird and very unphonetic. neither are the right abbreviation. ah, the trials of the crazy english language. we're starting a study in our small groups on the books of philippians & colossians. we're using the book that i may know Him, by kay arthur & david lawson. got it today. this is really good for me, cause i need something that's gonna make me be in the Word everyday. this way there'll be some accountability going to where i have to have the readings done by the next week, since we'll be going over & discussing them in our huddles each week. so this is kinda exciting, i'm really looking forward to starting it tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to drag myself out of bed... --later. 18.01.2000 later ok, so i didn't go to bed. i never do. once a long time ago when i was in teacher carol's preschool in the philippines we went to a park where there were metal statue-things of dinosaurs and we got to play on them. someone from the newspaper took a picture and my picture was in the paper the next day. so that was pretty exciting. jennifer & i were talking in spanish class last week about this song we played in band in 8th grade, colonial airs & dances. it's still my favorite band song, ever. i got all the piccolo solos. how i loved picc back then. i still like it ok i guess, but not as much as i used to. still, i'll play it, this year, maybe next, maybe senior year too. who knows? so anyway, as this is my literary masterpiece, i shall put it up on this here wonderful webpage. it's a story that goes along with the first couple of movements. probably no one understands it except me & a couple other people, but it was pretty fun. i just wish i could've completed the story with the other 3 movements. ah yes, the happy days of jr. high when everything was fun and fit in its perfect place. aside from my early childhood in the philippines, those 2 years were the best of my life so far. but anyway, here's the link >> the saga of colonial airs & dances. as time does not appear to be standing still for me right at this moment, it really is about time i quit typing and go to bed. so long, dearest. --see you in my dreams. 18.01.2000 stuff of the day
aack...too much stupid school work...too little time...need break...(oh, i just had a break? forgive me...)...need another break...wish to do something profitable with my days...tired of stupid schoolwork... etc. haha, stupid people. over the weekend some kids stole a car, put a rock on the accelerator, and drove it into building 6. now the doors & windows & everything are all messed up and under construction in that corner of the school. too bad those stupid kids weren't doing it as a protest against, say, school uniforms. that would've been great. if these people even think they're gonna make us wear uniforms next year, they'd better think again. hello, this is a public school. i mean, seriously, what is wrong with these people? but only 2 1/2 years & i'm outta here. in the meantime they're gonna make it as irritating and hateful as possible, i see. saunders was wise to leave when he did. oh well. i'm not really that bitter against the school, just tired of it. so...yeah. i think i'm gonna go to bed now & try to get some sleep so maybe--just maybe--i don't fall asleep in history or something. heaven forbid that should happen... --i think i'll take my sarcasm elsewhere now. 17.01.2000 stuff of the day
he doesn't understand emotions. he doesn't know what they are. he's my brother, he's supposed to be normal, not autistic! he doesn't understand what it means to be angry, or how to read emotions in people's faces. he says he knows what annoyed means. he says he felt sad when grandpa died, but he doesn't really know what it is. he's twelve years old, for pete's sake, and he can't even comb his own hair, or even recognize that it needs combing! he forgets how to take a shower and brush his teeth. yeah, i know i'm lucky he's even that high functioning at all. he could be way worse. my thoughts are spinning and tumbling around so fast, i can't sort them out. forgive me, for this shall be rather unorganized. why can't i have at least one other sibling? sometimes i feel so envious of people with other siblings, whom they can have an actual relationship with. up until last may,there was always this hope...we thought he just had a.d.d. with some kind of weird personality, and that some kind of supplement, medicine, or special diet was bound to make him normal. but this is his final diagnosis. this is it. he'll be this way for the rest of his life. there's nothing that can make him normal. will he ever be able to live on his own? and what about when my parents are gone? will i have to be the one to take care of him? God, no, please don't do this to me! Father, what are You possibly trying to teach me through this? are You saying that i'd better learn to deal with kyle because i'm gonna have a kid someday who's worse than him? somehow though i don't think that's the right message (at least i hope not). are You just trying to teach me patience and love? Lord, i'm not bragging or anything, but there are a lot more people who don't have nearly as much patience and love as i do, not for anyone. why couldn't You give them the autistic children and me something normal to stretch my faith? what's normal? i dunno, You're the One in that business so i guess You would have a better idea than me. i know, i sound so very foolish, for You know the ultimate plan and what's best for all of us. but what about kyle? is this really what's best for him? would You allow him to suffer like this just to teach the rest of us patience and love? is this supposed to be some kind of thorn-in-the-flesh type of thing? i know, i hear You, You're reminding me again of einstein. yes, he had the same disorder as kyle, but surely not all great scientists must be mad. kyle doesn't know there's anything wrong with him, he doesn't see himself as different from the other kids. he wonders why the make fun of him. yet as long as i can remember, he's always been weird, different. Father, You've caused him never to be able to have a normal life. he'll probably always be dependent upon others, which, whilee it may do others good, so much will be lacking from his life. Daddy, he's You child! You created him, You love him, surely You want him to live a full, happy life. yet how can he in this condition? how can he when his brain doesn't even work right? i just doesn't understand Your mercy, Daddy. but Lord, please take my heart and help me to see him the way You see him. please help me to give You all my jealous feelings and not give into that temptation. my dad came to my all-region concert saturday night. i was so happy! at first i thought he hadn't come because my brother had been giving him a hard time again about taking a bath (my parents had to go in separate cars), and i cried on the way home. i asked daddy last fall to come, and he had said he would. i don't ask him to go to everything, and he usually doesn't participate in most of my stuff, doesn't attend them, doesn't seem to care. but this was a really big deal for me. i was so scared he wouldn't be there. and even though i didn't really care for most of our music, i knew he would like it (it was mostly patriotic stuff). but he came! he left my brother at home to come to my concert! i think i'm gonna cry again. --i'm getting better, i think. 09.01.2000 stuff of the day
lani said something this morning in sunday school opening time. i mean, she said something that really caught my attention, something i've been thinking a lot about lately, too. she read from the book lady in waiting. it talked about when Jesus was eating at someone's house and that prostitute came and annointed his feet with perfume and dried them with her hair and kissed then and asked for forgiveness, and Jesus forgave her. anyway, so that was the passage from the Bible. the book said that, in that time, when a girl was eligible for marriage, her family would give her an alabaster box filled with perfumes and nice, expensive stuff, and when a man came and asked for her hand in marriage, as part of her dowry she would break the box over his feet and pour the perfume on him. so anyway, it talked about the alabaster box being our hearts, and are we willing to break our hearts before God and give Him our all? how much of our hearts do we have left to give to God? in other words, have we given so much of ourselves, of our hearts, to other people/things that there's nothing left for our Father? so i think about who i give my heart to. i sure shared my heart with HER. i mean, she was my best friend, we told each other everything. i also think i give my heart to music. but i've got a bunch of heart left, and i want to give it to God. i want to give every aspect of my life to Him. myself, all my activities, the things i do everyday, the things i let influence me, my future. i want to be a missionary, i want to be an ethnomusicologist, but is that what God wants? i know that He's the One who has given me the talent and love for music, of all kinds, and that i need to use it for Him. i've also always wanted to be a missionary overseas (not in the states! i've wasted too much of my life here to want to waste more.). so it seems like the perfect combination, something almost tailor fit to me. but i'm almost afraid that if i give it to Him, He'll tell me that that's not what He wants for me. yet i know that, sooner or later, i'll have to seek God about it anyway, and i may as well do that before i have to make any more decisions that will affect my career (i.e. what classes i take in high school, what i major in in college, etc.). also i know that, if i'm not doing God's will, i will never have His joy or fulfillment, nor His blessing and provision. i just wish i had someone to talk to about it, like an adult or a best friend who didn't betray me. --puzzled.
08.01.2000 stuff of the day
why am i so jealous of her? we used to be best friends; was i jealous of her even then? but why? why do i seem to hold myself above her yet envy her at the same time? it is because i still harbor bitterness and contempt? is it because she has cool parents? because she doesn't have autistic siblings? because she makes friends easily and everybody likes her? because she lived overseas more and speaks another language? because she plays the guitar? perhaps if i didn't have to see her two or three times a day, it wouldn't be so bad. perhaps if i actually did have other friends, and was able to make friends as easily as her, i wouldn't feel this way. i hope it's not hate i feel. i thought i got over it all a long time ago. but i find out my feelings have only changed. i just can't figure out why i seem to feel so jealous of her. i wouldn't want to be her for a second. i am coming to like my family more and more, i make better grades than her even, and i have my future before me. i know what i want to do with my life. i've got it all planned out. yes, i've submitted it to God, but i sort of hope that He wants the same as i want. God, why do You have to put me next to her? why must You torture me like this? if You want me to learn a lesson, i kind of wish You'd hurry up and just spell it out for me, what it is, because i'm getting really tired of the whole thing. God, i prayed and prayed for a long time for a friend, and i believe that you gave me that through her. but now we're not friends anymore, at all, and i don't even want to be friends with her anymore. You've given her other friends, why can't You give me other friends? please God, You know how difficult it is for me to make friends. although i, for the most part, like the way i am, i tend to feel intimidated by other people often. i don't mind being alone when i'm at home or whatever, but i always feel so lonely whenever i'm around other people. they all have friends, and i don't. but God, You made me that way. yet You know that i really need someone i can call a really good friend, someone i can talk to. so You'll provide, eventually You'll work it all out in Your own perfect way and i will be so glad then. but um, if it's ok with You, could you sort of try to, um, give me a friend sometime in the next year or so? i mean, sometime kind of soon because this loneliness is getting kind of tiring. the thing is, i've never had a friendship end like this. all my other friendships have always ended with one party or the other moving. but never just ignoring the other and saying sorry, you're not good enough for me, i don't want to be friends with you anymore. ok, so she didn't spell it out in so many words. but that's the message i got. the thing is, the person she chose over me used to be my friend, too. we were never best friends. we never had that much in common. neither do those two. in fact, that person's not even a Christian, and she doesn't listen to the same kind of music SHE does or have the same values about other stuff. as far as i know, SHE hasn't even tried to witness to her. i just don't get it. maybe we've just grown apart over the past year and a half. yeah, that must be it. that's all i can figure. --back to square one. 04.01.2000 stuff of the day
yea! a new page, and the first entry of the new year. i, on this fourth day of january, 2000, do hereby resolve in the coming year to:
2) exercise more 3) get more sleep! 4) be nicer to my brother 5) truly love, honor, and obey my parents 6) clean out my room! 7) practice my flute a lot more 8) study more and better ok, now that that's done with. i do intend to do these things, by the way. the exercise part may be difficult, but i'm going to...well...try. i don't even know why i put that part in. i think cause i feel a little guilty about never exercising at all. someday, i know it'll catch up with me. i may be young and skinny now, but someday when i'm 40 and fat and wrinkled and my hair is gray and i'm wearing bifocals, i'll wish i would've started early setting patterns of good health. but that's 24 years away, what have i got to worry about now? ah, who am i kidding. i started off my day right this morning--in God's Word. now let's see if i can do my quiet times the whole week. maybe if i take it a day or a week at a time, it won't seem like such a big feat to accomplish. it's not that i don't want to read the Word--on the contrary, i had some wonderful quiet times over the summer--especially around semp. funny how it works that way...but i've really been feeling the need recently to get back in the Word--my spirit's been dry. i've lost my joy. i heard a guy on the radio yesterday talking about how loving others brings joy. like when Jesus said, this is My commandment, that you love one another, that your joy may be full. now i see the direct corralation there between loving others and having joy. for some reason, although i memorized that verse a long time ago, i never actually put the two parts together. yet it makes so much sense. happy new year, by the way. --hope, with a smile. |
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