31.12.1999

stuff of the day
quotes: You painted me a picture/and showed me how to see/though i just won't behold it/unless it pertains to me --jars of clay; it [Christianity] never meant anything to me in the first place, so it didn't mean anything for me to lose it --a, um, friend.
website: calling out Your name: a tribute to rich mullins

wow. the last day of the year. also the last entry on this page. tomorrow or whatever i'll have to start a new page for january. i really like january; it makes me think of little kids all bundled up in colorful hand-knit hats and scarves and mittens, sledding down the hills of snow on their bright red hand-painted wooden sleds, and coming in their warm houses for a cup of hot chocolate every once in a while. like in the book farmer boy, by laura ingalls wilder. it's sort of what i wish my childhood could've been like; it seems so perfect.

i just finished practicing my flute for today; i practiced about an hour. although i enjoyed working on my solo for contest in february, i really don't like the all-region music. it's all patriotic, and i hate to say, somewhat annoying. at least it'll all be over mid-january.

i've been listening to the new jars cd all week; it's pretty good. it doesn't have quite the intensity of much afraid; but the personalities of each album are quite distinct. river constantine is definitely my favorite song, no question about that. it's a prayer actually, from the depths of the soul...it's a little of what i feel, or rather, what i feel is a little of what the song says. just a small bit though.

--signing off for the year.

30.12.1999

stuff of the day
mood: lazy
glad for: bright red hats and gloves and snow flurries
song: river constantine/jars of clay
website: sara's webpage (with disco larry)

well, i'm back now from being gone. i feel so marvelously blessed by all the wonderful gifts i received at Christmas. i only wish i could've had another day or two with grandma. for some reason there's so much i want to say here but can't seem to get the words out right now so maybe later i'll write something.

--laughing my head off...

20.12.1999

stuff of the day
mood: happy and serene
song: tick tock/one eighty; der rosenkavalier: act iii (ist ein traum)/richard strauss
website: peeps candy stuff

i got my braces off today (yay yay yay!). i've had them on for two years and am so happy to be free of them now. wow. my toothbrush just glides over my teeth now, it's amazing! the only thing i don't like is this wire they put behind my middle six bottom teeth. it bugs me because my tongue cannot avoid touching it. so that's kinda annoying. but i think i look almost pretty. too bad i can't get contacts too.

i have to leave in two days, and i have so much stuff left to do. we were planning on not leaving til thursday, but my great aunt died this morning, so we're gonna go up for the funeral. that means i'm gonna miss going the bonfire & carolling with my youth group wednesday night, which i was really looking forward to. i want to go up because it would be really weird & boring staying here, and i want to see grandma & my dad's side of the family. however i'm not so much looking forward to seeing my spoiled-brat cousins on my mom's side. thank goodness we're not doing a gift exchange this year.

--strolling through the park.

18.12.1999

stuff of the day
mood: pensive
song: let it out/shaded red
websites: iskip.com; the long hair site

my dad has finally said i can go get my license. too bad i don't have my 80-day letter. & he hasn't said anything else about it. i have no idea what i will & will not be able to do...where i can & can't go...how much freedom i will actually have...i ask but never receive an answer. or if i do, it's always so vague. why is there always such a lack of communication around here? and misunderstandings. it seems my mother misunderstands everything i say, & i misunderstand everything she says.

i am so frustrated with myself. i feel like such a hypocrite. i go to church and sing these wonderful worship songs...right now i am singing along with the radio, i think it's a song by darryl evans ("i can't get enough of You/cuz i am in love with You/oh how i long for You/cuz i am in love with You"). it is an awesome song, i like it a lot, & the style & everything...i love to sing, especially praise&worship songs. but although i do long for God, for some reason i just am not taking the time to spend with Him ("how could i not love You, Lord...You've forgiven me..."). curt said the other morning during prayer time that if you're not daily spending time with God in His Word, something's wrong. i felt like he was talking directly to me. i think i'm falling into the trap of thinking that i can do it all by myself, without God, but i know i'm only fooling myself. i wish i could have true faith, to put all my trust in God completely and not rely on myself at all. i'm just so lazy and such a procrastinator that i'm not doing anything about this relationship i have with God.

i'm so horrible at relationships. look at the relationships i have with my parents and my brother. look at what happened to the relationship i had with cary-anne. that's the only good friendship i've ever had that ended without either party moving away. and then there's God. i've got to do something about this.

--the sluggard.

9.12.1999

stuff of the day
glad for: cheery red sweaters and spaghetti dinners
quote: there's people been friendly/but they'd never be your friend/and sometimes this has bent me to the ground/but now that this is all ending/i wanna hear some music once again/cuz it's the finest thing i have ever found --rich mullins.

it's cold outside now. cold is bad, very bad. i hate being cold, it makes me feel like a scared child lost in the mall or a homeless person alone in the big city without so much as a blanket. cold makes me sleepy and depressed. no wonder i can't keep my eyes open during history lectures. the fact that i stay up late working on stuff like this may also be a factor of consideration, but...i need a song to sing. then maybe i can be happy again.

--sitting on a beanbag.

8.12.1999

stuff of the day
mood: apathetic but desperate
glad for: pretty new shirts
word: fabulous
quote: so hold me Jesus/cuz i'm shakin like a leaf/You have been my King of Glory/won't You be my prince of peace --rich mullins.

i have fallen into a sort of low self-esteem lately. i am attributing this to the fact that i am neither unusually beautiful nor extraordinarily talented, and i have no close friends to make me feel special. neither am i particularly close to any of my family.

it's just me... ...drifting... ...and God.

why i tend to refuse Him and cling to myself i do not know. why He continually begs for me to come near i cannot fathom. maybe someday i will learn to trust Him completely. until then it will be a hard road.

there are so many things i long for but cannot have. not yet, at least. i'm starting to get kind of impatient. but somehow at the same time i am also content with that, because i know that these things will come in due time. so why does my heart still feel this longing?

i hardly ever listen to music anymore. somehow nothing seems right. there are so many things i want to write but-just-can't. my mind is brimming over, spilling out with new things all the time. but the ideas won't put themselves into any language i'm familiar with. when i try to assemble them, they're just strings of phrases that don't fit together. despairing and frustrated, i eventually give up. why can't anyone find me?

i ate saba lumpia tonight. it was delicious. i had two. i think i vaguely remember the taste from years ago. God, Daddy, won't You take me back? i'm longing to go. i am so dissatisfied, why can't i move on? if i must wait two and a half years before i can get on with my life and pursue what i really want to do, will You allow me to let You teach me? i want to be ready to learn.

--lost in a fog.