april
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30.04.2000 i feel like i need to write, but i don't know what to write about. some things around here seem nightmarish at times, but maybe it's just all fiction and i'm seeing it as such because of the suspense in the book i just finished (the other side of the sun, by the much-aforementioned madeleine l'engle). or other influences, many other influences... i know i need to love her. my former best friend, that is. or rather, to learn to love her. how would Jesus have loved her if such a thing happened to him? and perhaps it did. it's just--i have no idea--i don't know where to start. whenever i see her my heart, if i let it, fills with bitterness and resentment. part of me wants to do nothing but hate her. maybe it will have to be a day-by-day thing, this learning to love. i just have no clue how to start it. and i feel shame. but neither of us can leave. "i need love: it is patience, it is kindness
yes, calling upon Wisdom is indeed the only solution. i know i should lead a huddle next year; i am expected to. and i probably will; i'm just afraid it won't go well, it won't be alive & growing, i'll be hindering more than helping... i'll be a junior, and there's so many seniors graduating this year leaving a lot of empty holes. plus i've been in ministry team for a year now, and an apprentice leader, & i did after all lead last time, me & esther. but i'm not sure i want to. i'm scared to. but how can i not? my parents may be against it. i was hoping something would change between last year and this year in that regard, but it hasn't. i wish i could sit down with someone and talk it all out; someone older, wiser than me, like mary k. or maybe cherie. possibly esther, but i don't know. i wish i could be as strong as others around me. i wish so much were not expected of me. i wish i did not constantly make stupid mistakes. heh heh...too many wishes to handle at once. i don't know. i don't know, don't ask me. it is all very disturbing. but i can practically hear my Father calling me; His voice is very clear now. i will learn about trust; i sense that that's His desire to teach me about. i just don't know how it will all fit in. i will go anon. 25.04.2000 i'm pretty dissatisfied with my life right now, with this place, etc. i've seen a lot of people write about what they live for. i often have to remind myself of that, because i like every other human being can get so caught up in the here and now and forget just what it is that i strive toward. no, i don't live just because i am, as travis does. he says, well, i'm here, i don't know why, but i am, so i'm just gonna live. ain't good enough for me. i don't live for friends (i would be dead right now if i did), because gosh, i mean, how can anyone live for friends? friends change so quickly. you go through phases of different friends. they let you down, disappoint you, turn out to be nothing but jerks. so you look for new ones. one whose friends stand by him always is very lucky indeed. music, well, it's just not something i could live for. it's incredible; it fascinates me, leaves me in awe and wonderment--it's just great. but it is still fallible; it is still futile. God's the only thing really worth living for; but i am afraid to say that i live for God. because i don't fully trust in Him each day; i don't lean on Him for everything; i do so many things without reliance on Him. can anyone say He is their life? paul did. but why must it be such a struggle? even when i am old, i know i will still struggle--though it's a sad fact to face. but i know now that what i live for today is the future. it's what God will do in me and through me in the future. because i truly believe with all my heart that God is faithful and loving and that He will complete our lives and make us each into the people He wants us to be. i just think, someday i will be better, someday all this will be behind me and none of these stupid things will matter at all. someday i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, i will abide in Him and He will abide in me. it's what keeps me living day by day, this hope of the future. 18.04.2000 "the night breaks, my heart could not ache any more. am i that easy to ignore?"--sixpence none the richer it's hot at last. it must've been in the 80s today. i went home and put on shorts after school. a couple of weekends ago, at the retreat, i couldn't help but think how lucky i was. there i was, sitting on the rocks, the sun on my back and the wind in my hair, with my feet splashing in the cool river water and my Bible open on my lap, full of unchanging truth. then in the afternoon we went rock climbing, rappelling (sp?), and kayaking, in addition to enjoying the infinite fun of the zip line...too bad every weekend can't be like that. but next weekend i'm going to exactly what with kendra, april, ellie, & possibly nycene...yea! then maybe ellie's show...hopefully... sunday afternoon the choir & orchestra had practice at church in preparation for the big easter services. i have a couple of big solos in one of the songs, & my dad (who was sitting up in the choir) actually complimented me later! yea! i didn't think he was going to. every week mama always tells me how nice the orchestra sounded, but daddy has never said anything before. i guess maybe he just can't hear us up in the choir loft (in spite of all the microphones they've got on us...). i was incredibly glad though that my entire family came last night to the nhs induction. even kyle. i mean, neither of my parents stayed home because of him. they all went, which was very special. i wouldn't've cared so much if kyle was there or not, but it was really, really nice that both my parents made it. i seriously just might take academic physics next year. i had to change from anatomy & phisiology to physics in order to graduate on the program i want, be a best southwest scholar, possibly get scholarship money, etc, etc...but i don't think i'm gonna be able to handle kastrop's pre-ap physics. there is just no way. but i really don't want academic physics on my transcript. i've never taken an academic class in my life, but yet my entire goal thus far in my selection of science courses has been to avoid any physics at all costs. but i'll fail miserably if i try to take kastrop's class, and i don't want to ruin my gpa. 16.04.2000 we had a great ministry team tonight. we talked a lot about huddle ideas for next year. what we'll probably do, or, that is, what everybody agreed would be a really good idea, is to have big group once a month and then three small groups after that. there's other details, but anyway, it'll be good i think, and i think it'll really work for me. i'm gonna be a huddle leader next year, most likely, which i'm a little nervous about but am really excited and looking forward to. patti said something, when we were talking in the beginning as we always do every time, about what God's been doing in our lives lately. we always start out with that, with just sharing with each other about what He's been doing and teaching us, in our quiet times, etc. anyway, so she talked about how God was challenging her. she asked God what the most difficult thing was for her to do, and He said it was evangelism. and that's hard for her, and she's starting to do it now, and it's a challenge but it causes her to rely on God so much more. so that's what i'm gonna ask God now, what is the most difficult thing for me to do? show me what it is, and help me to do it. and wow, to think how much that will build my trust in God. thinking about it, i'm really kind of excited. especially since the retreat last weekend, and curt's talks on discipline, i know i'm gonna have to discipline myself better. there's no way i'll have time to lead a Bible study, to be in the Word daily, etc, as i need to be, if i don't cut something out. especially with the 2 ap & 3 pre-ap classes i've signed up for next year (though kastrop's physics is still quite dubious...) and marching season in the fall. so, just as i was getting a few ideas for this page (because right now it's just in an intermediate stage--this that's up right now is only temporary til i figure out what i'm gonna do, which will involve making graphics probably, as well as a whole lot of creativity and ideas--none of which is my forte...), i've decided that i'll let this page go for a while, probably til the summer. in fact, i'm going to definitely cut back on (if not cut out) internet in general, with the exception of email and necessary homework research. i don't watch much tv, but it's unbelievable the amount of time i waste aimlessly surfing the internet with no real purpose or intention, just because i'm bored and don't feel like doing what i need to do. but anyway, don't expect a whole lot more updates to this site for the next month or so. 14.04.2000 quote of the day: "so i said so myself, i said, 'self, what is the function of the b number?'"--mr. spurlock... ah, today was an exceptionally good day. it's friday. i finished (and actually understood) my algebra homework during class. i got a big fat paycheck today. and we get three four-day school weeks in a row starting next week! next weekend i'm going to exactly what, a little vintage/thrift store in waxahachie, with april, ellie, & kendra. then maybe--if my dad lets me--i might go to ellie's show. her band, the dump trucks, that broke up a year ago, is playing a reunion show. ellie was the lead singer, and april says she's really good. the problem is, it starts at ten. but it's not far away. so we'll see if i get to go or not. i highly doubt it. my dad's against it. but my mom might let me go for a little bit though. april invited me to go with her, adam, kendra, isaac, & ellie to the park to take black & white pictures tomorrow. i probably will not go. in fact, i'm nearly sure i will not go. ellie can't go, and i'm afraid i'd feel like a fifth wheel. it'll be, let's take pictures of adam & april! let's take pictures of isaac & kendra! yea! what cute couples! hi, i'm me. i'm laura. that's it. you can take a picture of me if you want to, but there is none other. which is ok with me. but i although i'm friends w/ april & kendra, i don't know adam & isaac that well. they always go on double dates together and i'd feel like i was intruding. but still, i was invited! that's a very good thing. i went to the parks mall tonight with my mom. needless to say, i was not looking forward to it, since i hate clothes shopping so much. but i went anyway and didn't complain. so we went to mervyn's, and i tried on these jeans. and they fit. i mean, they fit. they fit! without a belt, and down to the bottom of my feet! i mean, they're long and slim! i am exceedingly pleased. i feel like writing l.e.i. and telling them how pleased i am that i found some jeans long and slim enough. i feel like thanking them for their thoughtfulness and consideration in making jeans for tall people. and i got a shirt. i mean, a really cute shirt that's a really rich red color. it's eyelet material, and the bodice is totally smocked, with elastic at the top and really cute sleeves. i love it. it's very pretty. i can't believe my mom bought it. i never thought shopping could ever make me happy. but i am thoroughly happy, now that i've come back from my expedition. and tomorrow, at long last, i'm going to go to cd warehouse. if i see a guy who is tall and skinny with brown old-man hair, his name is ray and i am to tell him ellie says hi. if i see a guy, a little heavy-set with red hair, his name is jake and i am to tell him ellie says hi. if i see a guy a little heavy-set with brown hair, his name is james and i am to tell him ellie says hi. notice a trend here? :) i still don't know what i will buy at cd warehouse; something cheap, i hope. i will decide when i get there. but it has been another long week, and i am very tired, and my feet are cold. so i need to go to bed now. til tomorrow. 13.04.2000 quote of the day: "it takes a lot of effort, band; if it didn't, it wouldn't be worth doing."--mr. merrill i went shopping tonight with my mom, and it was a disaster. we went to wal-mart, supposedly to just drop off some film for developing, but then i tried on a swimsuit and she wanted me to try on a shirt that'll fit next year's dress code, then she tried on all these clothes &...well...it took forever, and it was very frustrating. so we didn't leave there til half an hour after i wanted to, & by that time cd warehouse was closed. i really really really wanted to buy a couple cds tonight; i just had the urge to spend money. which is weird because i hate spending money. but now i'm gonna have to wait til tomorrow night to buy my new cds...but that's ok cause ellie's supposed to bring me some tapes of some stuff tomorrow. she made some tapes for me, of saviour machine, wedding party, starflyer 59, & some other good stuff that'll be a surprise. i trust her judgement. she has good taste in music. but anyway, so now my mom & i are somewhat mad at each other. and she thinks i have a bad attitude because i said i wasn't going to tuck in my shirts in spite of what the stupid school board said, and because i said duncanville is getting ghetto & stupid. which it is. but anyway... i got accepted into nhs. i read the letter to my mom, & the first thing she said was, "you know what that means, don't you? it means you have to tuck in your shirts." i just started cracking up, it was so funny. i figured she would say something like "keep your grades up" or "be responsible." but no, she doesn't care about any of that stuff as long as i follow the dress code... ellie says i should have a theme to my webpage. like do research on a topic and make it all about that. she said if she knew how to make a webpage, she would do it on the history of punk rock. maybe i will consider it. the theme part, that is, not the punk rock part. i like punk, but i don't think i could make a whole webpage about it. 05.04.2000 quote of the day: "do we have any cheese?"--so says ellie (she meant to say soap...sorry, i guess you had to be there...) >> this book is called weslandia. i've read it, and it's really, really cool. and the pictures are great. it's brand new. i learned two lessons today. the first one came between 1st & 2nd blocks. i was in the instrument room getting out my flute & stuff, & robin o. was putting hers away. she came up to me, saying "i didn't know ms. schweig wasn't a Christian!" i'm just sorta like, yeah, well...did you expect her to be or something? what led you to believe she was? so we were talking about this stuff, how she had thought all along she was & now she knows she isn't, & it struck me that we never know who we're influencing. we don't know where they are spiritually or how God could use us in a particular situation. we need to always be a ready witness, both in word and deed. we need to make sure everything we do is glorifying to God, because we never know who's watching, or the impact we can have, either for good or for bad! it was just another good reminder. the second thing came during Bible study. we had big group tonight, jr. high and sr. high combined, & the room was packed. there were over 100 people there. curt talked from john 5, where Jesus heals the man beside the pool at bethsaida, or something like that...anyway, so this guy has been crippled for 38 years, and Jesus heals him. later Jesus sees him in the temple, and then the man realizes that it was actually Jesus who had healed him. then it says in the passage that the man went out, telling people about Jesus. but it never says that he went back to the pool to help the people there, his old friends, the people he had known for 38 years. it never says he went back. of course, he might've, we don't know. but curt applied that to us, saying that Jesus has healed us of our infirmity: sin. so why don't we go back to our friends and tell them about Him? why don't we go back to the place we came from, to the people we used to know and share with them, so they can be helped too? well, there's a couple people i've been sharing with, but not with the kind of zeal i should have. i'm a people pleaser, so i tend to be afraid of offending people. but i want my friends to have hope, peace, to know the joy and love that comes from God. because it is truly marvelous. one of marsha's arms fell off today. i was kind of mad about that. emily cracked up when i told her. i swear, marsha's had more problems...she's already lost both her legs; now all she has left is her body, head, & one arm. *sigh* poor marsha...emily says i should write a story about her & put it on this webpage. after all, robin has her freak bugs story up (those crickets really are unusually evil though, really! i can testify!), emily has her "picture stories," and sara...well...sara's whole page is stories, in a way. so i think i shall do that. poor marsha. i haven't even had her a year, and already she's fallen almost all apart. at least she still has her purse with the poodle on it... kendra's lotion smells like mango peel! yum!
04.04.2000 thou craven shard-borne clack-dish! thou weedy tardy-gaited waterfly!
>> and still more curses... >> make your own elizabethan curses well, i have not entirely lost faith in our tiny little public library. they had a live coal in the sea, one of madeleine l'engle's most recent books, published in 1996. i just finished reading it; it was pretty good. a little confusing, perhaps, at times. but after reading camilla, it was interesting to see who camilla had become. it was well-written. yeah. and i always enjoy & learn from madeleine l'engle. though i sometimes wonder about some of her theology, she's definitely one of my very favorite authors.
april first has come and gone, and no pranks were played on me, nor did i play any on anyone else. i remember sixth grade, though, i have this fake arm, & i took it to school. there was this teacher--what was her name?--and she was this tall black lady who wore fake eyelashes & a fake bun & brightly colored hose...she was quite a character. she was the in-school suspension teacher. anyway, i came to school that day with one arm inside my backpack, and the fake arm dangling out the other end. i came up to her worried, trying to fake cry, "miss, miss...my arm's stuck inside my backpack!" it wouldn't have really been that funny except that she fell for the whole thing. she was saying "oh baby, on dear, come on in here, we'll take care of you...it's all right, baby..." and we went into the iss room & i was using all the strength i could muster (that's a weird word, no? it's like musket.) not to just burst out laughing. all the i.s.s. kids could see the arm was fake...they were cracking up too...but then she helped me unzip my backpack & figured it out...yeah. it was pretty funny. last week we had storms. some tornadoes messed up parts of ft. worth and arlington. we're just fine though. i love storms, especially in the summer, when you can stand outside on the porch and watch the lightning. they're almost...well...peaceful, in a way. reassuring, maybe. i'm not sure. but they're beautiful and exciting, and not usually scary. then it rained all last weekend. i do love rain. i don't think i'd like it 24/7, but it is nice nevertheless. if i could paint, i would paint a picture of the wet streets, with the reflection of the light from the streetlights in the puddles, and old cars parked along the sides. it reminds me of asher lev. "hope you feel the oceans crashing on the coasts of north new england..." |
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